I subbed today at school.

Discovering that I need to communicate better to my boss and coworkers.

Also discovered, the more I sub, the less I like it and the less I like myself and how I act--the less I like middle schoolers in a group setting.

I dislike to feel these things.

I'm stuck on wanting to like my ideals and fantasy of being a teacher--and sad for it to shape into a different reality.

I want to rationalize that I like it and can still follow that path.

I can't do it though.

I would make my life miserable.

I love those kids, I love each one of them...on an individual-to-individual basis, but this group thing and their peer pressures to be rude and immature is too much for me.

I need a new path to connect with people/kids according to my natural abilities and personality--one-to-one method.

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Spirituality night was affirming--we talked about how much we loved ourselves.

It really is difficult to love myself in front of other people and speak it out loud.

I do love me, but probably more than I should.

I wish I didn't question amounts of love I have and the love that is given so freely.

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Today... I am Yours, but empty me Yourself...because I can't seem to.

Discouragement

I can have all the support in the world from people who are not really close to me and feel great, but as soon as I have a family member discourage my plans, I can break down easily.

I don't want that to happen this time. I'll just have to keep going and work towards it even with different emotions.

Emotion isn't going to run my plans; God is.

It's obvious that I won't always believe in myself and my abilities; I won't always be on high with celestrial visions that make me feel detached from the cruelties of the world.

I must face reality and embrace it; eventually to change some part of it.

Achat Knaissia

My niece, Aloise, was baptised this weekend and I officially became her godmother. One particular godparent, I don't consider part of my family anymore; I don't want to end up being like he was. I'm promising that I will serve with integrity and bring back the lost meaning of godparent.

I've always known I looked young, but when my little brother, who is six years younger, and I get comments that he looks older than me, I know that I really do have a baby face.

Since I've gotten home, the most common question has been: "What grade are you in now?" I seem to not have aged since middle school--the typical fallacy from just about any age group is that I am still in high school. Whenever Cory (little brother) is around, he's my boyfriend apparently. My classic reply is: "Oh, I graduated already...(smirk and pause)..from college." Sometimes, I even get the question on how old I am--some people just seem to think I'm a young genius; I can't possibly be that old.

It is quite annoying to hear "oh, you'll love it when you're older." I know...I know. I would like to look 23 instead of 13 for once; it's debasing to get my wine glass taken from the restaurant table in assumption of a young age--even if I don't want to drink. It's degrading when someone at work asks me if I can get someone who could answer a question about computers because they assume I can't answer it--I can definitely sense that they think I'm a young little girl who couldn't possibly know anything about cpu fans. I didn't know the answer, but the fact that they didn't even give me the opportunity erks me.

All I'm saying is that young looks is not always the rainbow-colored, wonderful ideal it's made out to be. I'll take the older looks and take, hopefully, the 60 years I have left. Who cares if guys are attracted to the older looks or not; my looks aren't exactly attracting anyone now...

Season Before it All Begins

My first blogger blog--I used to have a blog on xanga... a few years ago now.

So, the blog creation is really because in August, what I consider as my life beginning, apart from my parents, will begin in my moving to Detroit.

My missionary journals begin now.

JVC requests that I journal about my volunteer experiences so they can publish a JVC article every month or so about a few selected members.

In my online world geography class, that had no significance in any degree or pursuit, I had chosen a listed topic of "Street Children in Latin America." Anyways, the significance of the class has arisen--I'm envisioning myself in the favelas of the street kid infested cities of Brazil. Their are between 150 and 200 million street kids in the world and 40 million of them are in Latin America--Brazil and Mexico are the worst. My dream world lately has mainly consisted of images of starting a street children organization of my own--have a few homes and run an organization much like Boys Hope Girls Hope.

I'm not sure about finances since I will be living off a stipend for a year and I have a mass amount of school debt still.

I'm not too worried about it; I'm sure God's got this and long term won't be so long.