The Unhealthy Single

Most people know the type of woman that can't live two seconds without being in a relationship--most would call her needy or desperate.

I usually make fun of these women...

Ok, I'll stop it. Sorry. 

So, what do you call a woman that's Never or Rarely in a relationship?

The majority of my life, I would have called her independent, confident, and Badass--You know, like Jesus or something.

But lately, I've been thinking my singleness doesn't always stem from good, positive things like the the prior list; it stems from something much deeper seated:

Fear.

Pride.

Hurt.

Unforgiveness.

Shame.

In the last year, I've shared my testimony a handful of times to groups and individuals and I started adding an aspect that I had been hiding away for a lifetime. My shameful secret. 

It's an aspect that actually made, and makes me still need a Savior then and now. 

It's a part of me that even my family doesn't know and I never wanted them to know.

I was suicidal.

No, I'm not suicidal now, I believe I was completely healed of that the minute Jesus met me, but I do see the repercussions of the Damage done and the lessons God is teaching me through my life. 

You see I was a tomboy growing up, and well, I also looked like a boy to most people too, in those

middle school years. 

Right about the time I started liking guys (even the ones I was friends with), I was brutally beginning to be teased, bullied, and taunted daily for how I looked and acted. 

I secretly brought it home with me and just pretended to be a normal kid. Anyone who knew me just thought of me as a quiet, to herself kid. I got more quiet the more I was teased; I thought by not

talking that it would give them less ammo, but in fact, it gave them more. 

An

11

12

13

14 year old girl.

Four years of being asked "Are you a boy or a girl?"

Four years of being told I'm ugly

Four years of being asked if I'm gay because of how I looked. 

My young mind went right to wanting to drown myself silently in Bogue Sound.

Didn't tell a soul because I thought I could handle my problems on my own and what is more shameful than wanting to kill yourself?

14 years old. 

Why was I thinking of suicide?

I'm so grateful that there is a God out there that was Paying Attention. 

God woke me up one night, the week before my first day of high school and I can honestly say 

I've never felt more loved and adored, joyful, 

or healed of those thoughts. 

It was a snap of a finger.

But as an adult--the Redemption isn't over.

People ask me Every Day two questions:

1) How old are you? (No, seriously, I'm not 18, etc.)

2)Are you Married?

Of course, when I say no, the follow up is about me not dating anyone.

I actually love hearing the line "But you're so Beautiful." Mind you, it's more believable from old people (I work in a nursing home). 

What I tell people when I say I'm single:

*Jesus and Paul are; let me read you 1 Cor. 7

*I actually enjoy who I am and my life, thank you.

*I have so much (listing examples).

*A man doesn't define me and my life doesn't depend on men. 

But what I'm leaving out is:

*I'm Broken

*I'm Scared.

*I don't believe men when they say I'm beautiful.

*I especially don't believe men when they say they like or love me.

I run to Singleness because it is safe and I have a Great big God that I know loves me. 

I have run to Singleness because it has allowed me to serve and love God back for saving me.

But Yet.

But yet, there is something within me telling me my Singleness may be my chains

But yet.

But yet, I may need some wings. 

Now, Now, some of you are saying, "alleluia, amen." 

Don't get ahead of yourself. 

All I'm really saying is that I think it is time to forgive, trust, and rely on God to open doors and take me out of this box I'm in. 

I can't keep saying as I do, that I have the door closed 80% and cracked 20% to marriage. 

I'm at least opening myself up for obedience and, You know, 50/50 door open. 

I'm definitely not doing online dating--I've actually been there done that.

Anyways, I'm not sure what the moral of the story is. All I know is, is that God is still loving me and working out those wounds. 

They have often been unseen and unfelt--I was going to make an actual wound analogy, but I'll abstain. 

Gross. 

I want to choose Both Singleness or Marriage for healthy reasons--whatever God has for me.

Whatever God brings in my Life--I know it will be for my Good. I also know it will be for His glory. 

Psalm 121:

"I lift my eyes up to the hills--

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, 

The Maker of heaven and Earth.

He will not let your foot slip--

He who watches over you will not

slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Isreal 

will neither slumber or sleep.

The Lord watches over You--

The Lord is your shade at your right 

hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, 

nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm--

he will watch over your life; 

the Lord will watch over your coming and 

going

both now and forevermore." 

Don't Speak.

No doubt. Don't Speak. One of my favorite songs.

So what, you say.

Today it matters because of a Nation wide fundraiser for ALS awareness and research called Don't Talk-a-Thon 2018.

Instead of just one hour though, I'm doing an entire day.

Now, I've done silent retreats, stuck in a retreat center with a handful of people around doing the same exact solemn, reflective, religious act, but this was different and extremely emotional so far.

I love Sundays because I get to socialize and SING at church with people I have grown friendships with. This morning I had to stop conversations and "How are you's" with a weird look of "I can't answer back" and a handout I personally made of why I'm not talking. I specifically only handed it out to the people who spoke to me. I'm not sure that I'll raise much money, but it was moving enough to see people read my flyer and give a look of understanding and sympathy and sometimes a hug.

I'm not sure I've ever felt the power of worship songs (or the service itself) the way I did this morning not being able to sing and the words stuck in my head that "He came to love, heal, and forgive"

Or the verse:

And then one day, I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to victory,
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives.

I stood and imagined not being able to sing every church service, or not being able to speak encouraging words to people, or speak to my patients, etc.  Most of all though, I feel regret and sorrow for not having more interactions with my Aunt throughout my life and even since the diagnoses--distance being no real excuse.  I visit her next week and I can't help but to think this may be the last time I see her, especially as I pass the graveyard on my bike ride to and from church this morning. How do you really say goodbye to a person without saying goodbye directly?

My emotions and thoughts are all over the place today. I wish it were easy to organize and that I was capable of telling you something significant and meaningful, perhaps joyful and life changing. I leave you with a simple request for prayer for my Aunt (and my visit next week) and a consideration
towards donating to ALS research.

Donate here:    https://fundraise.projectals.org/fundraiser/1458032

Shoved Another Direction Part 1

I met a guy two weeks ago....

No, matchmaker friends, this isn't a romance journal.

I was filling in extra hours at a nursing home in Jacksonville, NC, about an hour from home all week. On the way home, on Tuesday evening, my car decided to blow a tire in Hubert. Hubert is podunk and without much shopping civilization. Unfortunately, it was coming close to 6pm and most places were closing even in Jacksonville.

Most people would assume that I'm level-headed, calm, collected, and know my business, under stressful situations--at least, I like to think you think that.

Panic and an automatic call to Daddy is more my reality. Throw in a regretted curse word or two, groveling for help, and bouts of stupidity in conversation with Dad to complete my hysteria. Dad said he was too far away of course..."call triple A or your credit card", he says. "Be an adult, handle it."

Ok, fine!

In that split second though, I realize I'm going to have to act professional on the phone to the credit card company (they provide roadside assistance) and so I change my tone with Dad and say, "I love you, thank you" in the most sweet, pitiful voice.

During Daddy convo, I had already pulled over to a small strip mall with a big warehouse that reads "Oriental Marketplace". There were two places open out of the mostly abandoned storefronts--a print shop and a church. I stepped into the print shop first to get away from the traffic noise for a call to my Delta card and get an address in this middle of nowhere. The clerk was busy and seemed annoyed when I walked in on my cell phone. Ok, step out it is.

Next up.

Can I just say that strip mall churches have always rubbed me uneasy? Can't pinpoint why.

I still needed an address and the guy from Delta was starting to give me money figures that I don't like the sound of. I started debating how much time I could change the tire to spare tire all by myself or maybe I'll walk into the creepy church. Free labor, right?

Naturally, this is what a church is for...

Kidding aside, In that moment I was grateful and humbled that when I opened that door those two men seemed already alert as to why I was in their parking lot and asked immediately if I needed help. All my anxiety and my miserly calculations dissipated. As they are starting to help me, the guy on the phone gave me one last, actual useful information, that Sam's Club was the only place still open and about to close in a half hour. Therefore, I told him I no longer needed Delta's roadside service.

David and David came out and changed my tire to spare tire within 5 minutes.

Two Davids. That's confusing for telling a story. I would distinguish them by saying "tall and skinny" and "short and stout", but if they end up reading this, I'm going to catch flack. I'll refrain from calling short-n-stout Mr. Carl Winslow...

Whoops.

So, tall-n-skinny David says his friend is preaching on Sunday and decides to invite me after bragging about short-n-stout.

I took them up on it....