Most people know the type of woman that can't live two seconds without being in a relationship--most would call her needy or desperate.
I usually make fun of these women...
I usually make fun of these women...
Ok, I'll stop it. Sorry.
So, what do you call a woman that's Never or Rarely in a relationship?
The majority of my life, I would have called her independent, confident, and Badass--You know, like Jesus or something.
But lately, I've been thinking my singleness doesn't always stem from good, positive things like the the prior list; it stems from something much deeper seated:
Fear.
Pride.
Hurt.
Unforgiveness.
Shame.
In the last year, I've shared my testimony a handful of times to groups and individuals and I started adding an aspect that I had been hiding away for a lifetime. My shameful secret.
It's an aspect that actually made, and makes me still need a Savior then and now.
It's a part of me that even my family doesn't know and I never wanted them to know.
I was suicidal.
No, I'm not suicidal now, I believe I was completely healed of that the minute Jesus met me, but I do see the repercussions of the Damage done and the lessons God is teaching me through my life.
You see I was a tomboy growing up, and well, I also looked like a boy to most people too, in those
middle school years.
Right about the time I started liking guys (even the ones I was friends with), I was brutally beginning to be teased, bullied, and taunted daily for how I looked and acted.
I secretly brought it home with me and just pretended to be a normal kid. Anyone who knew me just thought of me as a quiet, to herself kid. I got more quiet the more I was teased; I thought by not
talking that it would give them less ammo, but in fact, it gave them more.
An
11
12
13
14 year old girl.
Four years of being asked "Are you a boy or a girl?"
Four years of being told I'm ugly
Four years of being asked if I'm gay because of how I looked.
My young mind went right to wanting to drown myself silently in Bogue Sound.
Didn't tell a soul because I thought I could handle my problems on my own and what is more shameful than wanting to kill yourself?
14 years old.
Why was I thinking of suicide?
I'm so grateful that there is a God out there that was Paying Attention.
God woke me up one night, the week before my first day of high school and I can honestly say
I've never felt more loved and adored, joyful,
or healed of those thoughts.
It was a snap of a finger.
But as an adult--the Redemption isn't over.
People ask me Every Day two questions:
1) How old are you? (No, seriously, I'm not 18, etc.)
2)Are you Married?
Of course, when I say no, the follow up is about me not dating anyone.
I actually love hearing the line "But you're so Beautiful." Mind you, it's more believable from old people (I work in a nursing home).
What I tell people when I say I'm single:
*Jesus and Paul are; let me read you 1 Cor. 7
*I actually enjoy who I am and my life, thank you.
*I have so much (listing examples).
*A man doesn't define me and my life doesn't depend on men.
But what I'm leaving out is:
*I'm Broken
*I'm Scared.
*I don't believe men when they say I'm beautiful.
*I especially don't believe men when they say they like or love me.
I run to Singleness because it is safe and I have a Great big God that I know loves me.
I have run to Singleness because it has allowed me to serve and love God back for saving me.
But Yet.
But yet, there is something within me telling me my Singleness may be my chains
But yet.
But yet, I may need some wings.
Now, Now, some of you are saying, "alleluia, amen."
Don't get ahead of yourself.
All I'm really saying is that I think it is time to forgive, trust, and rely on God to open doors and take me out of this box I'm in.
I can't keep saying as I do, that I have the door closed 80% and cracked 20% to marriage.
I'm at least opening myself up for obedience and, You know, 50/50 door open.
I'm definitely not doing online dating--I've actually been there done that.
Anyways, I'm not sure what the moral of the story is. All I know is, is that God is still loving me and working out those wounds.
They have often been unseen and unfelt--I was going to make an actual wound analogy, but I'll abstain.
Gross.
I want to choose Both Singleness or Marriage for healthy reasons--whatever God has for me.
Whatever God brings in my Life--I know it will be for my Good. I also know it will be for His glory.
Psalm 121:
"I lift my eyes up to the hills--
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
The Maker of heaven and Earth.
He will not let your foot slip--
He who watches over you will not
slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Isreal
will neither slumber or sleep.
The Lord watches over You--
The Lord is your shade at your right
hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm--
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and
going
both now and forevermore."
